My Mind

I feel sleepy today, drifting in and out of consciousness.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm stable. I tend to think that I am; that I have control of what I do and say. Yet, there's always that "What if?" Always the questions. I wonder if, in the event that I'm not as stable as I think, what it would take to make me snap. I wonder what my best coping mechanisms are.
For the first time in a long time, I feel quite lost about where I stand, relative to others. For the first time ever, I'm lost in this way and completely comfortable with it. Perhaps the biggest conundrum that rises into my mind lately is the issue of my aptitude as a partner in a relationship. I'm not the type who prefers to "fly solo" just for the heck of it, or so they don't have to commit. Rather, my problem is that I don't want to bring anyone else down. Sure, the freedom of being single is an okay idea, but it's more... I don't know that there's a word. Not responsibility, because I have no problem taking on responsibility for others. But I'm just to extreme. I don't want to take others down with me, and so I put their interests before my own in almost all instances. I lose myself into a vat of interaction, and then find myself blinking stupidly into the harsh light of reality when I realize that the other person has sacrificed very little in comparison. I don't mean only romantic relationships; in fact, this applies more directly to friendships for me.
I have some fantastic friends, but all of my friendships lie upon the condition that I will, at some point in time, be taken advantage of. People don't try to do it; I just offer to help when they need help. what are they going to do, refuse? No, only people like me do that.
How is it that I am so unlike so many other people, and yet so mundane? Am I really mundane? Am I really unique? And if I am... what can I do to maximize my usage of my uniquity? It seems to me a certain obligation to use anything unique about oneself for the good of others. Do for others what they cannot do for themselves.

I don't know... and why should I? I am only human, after all...

But enough of this nonsense. It hurts my mind. I much prefer the kind of nonsense that soothes me. Like moss on a log, bright green and soft and moist, delightful to the senses. The log beneath is rotting, and the smell that emits from it is that of most fertile soil; it is exquisite and warm. A brown caterpillar works his way of the side of the log, perhaps looking for food. In my minds eye I watch the caterpillar, knowing that his search is futile. Carefully, by its midsection, I pull the caterpillar from the log. His head moves first away and then towards my skin, as he realizes that he cannot free himself. The coarse fur plays along my finger as I walk, feeling the damp grass give under my feet. On a nearby tree I release my caterpillar friend, allowing him to crawl up towards the foliage above. I imagine that in a soft voice he says, "thank you." I walk away from the tree, through my imaginary forest. The light is bright green, reflected off of so many leaves. In the corner of my vision I see a small white moth moving effortlessly through the air, and as I ponder the moth's past two squirrels appear a ways away from me, chasing one another playfully through the trees. I crouch down and watch for a long time, careful not to disturb them. As the squirrels disappear from view, my green light becomes a deep blue cast over the walls of my house and the sun begins to fall towards its resting place.

Reality isn't always so bad.