Something's not quite right in my mind. Like the feeling when you need to crack your back. After a long time and many diversions, it occurred to me that writing is my mental chiropractor.
I seem to have a lot of frustration, and it seems to bubble up at odd moments. My mind roves over dreams and tries to ignore the monster in my veins.
First, the distraction: today I have a twin. An identical twin, except that it's a boy. This occurred because we were both born as hermaphrodites, and the "fixed" us into different sexes. This, of course, provided an amazing opportunity for studies. Our parents were separated, and so our father got the boy and our mother got me. We met when they told us what they'd done, trying to study whether genetics or environment had a greater effect on "male" and "female" characteristics. Genetics played the major role, because he and I were very similar. we talked for hours. Just what I needed. A friend exactly like me.
Second, the problem. Four nights ago, I felt practically possessed. There was an angry monster running through my veins like fire and static, biting me as he went along. I wanted to let him out, but I couldn't. Can't. It's wrong. I can't. And so I lay there with the monster, arms pinned under a pillow and thrashing whilst restraining myself. Sobbing in perfect silence. And again last night. And as much as I love my insanity, I think... what if I were normal? What if I didn't have crazy spells? And how much can rationality do to bury a true problem?
Today I am trapped in between all the forces of my mind, floating in infinity. The monster is reduced to perhaps an ant, angry but with little force. With music, with words, I block my mind. Fill myself with a happiness that is neither real nor artificial. When I allow myself to lapse I tend towards sleep, which I do not have time to do. I work on schoolwork, but wonder idly just how much I can do before my mind is overcome with boredom. I write, I write, I write. It makes me feel better, but can it always be enough? Or what if it becomes a catalyst in a lethal reaction? I think too much. How often I do ponder gruesome outcomes to improbable events... and for what? Nothing. Or perhaps I am simply afraid of losing control. Little by little I discover the ugly aspect of myself, when I never before knew that I cared so much for control. True, I do not want to control others; only myself. Still, though. Why must I obsess over it so? If I am strong I will have control over myself. If I am weak another will hold control, and it will be my and only my fault. Maybe I'm trying to make up for an inherent weakness through obsessive planning. Is it really possible, though, that so many of my problems could stem essentially from a lack of self confidence? and why should simple belief hold so much weight? I am a very odd creature indeed, and it seems to me that I had better do something to benefit myself.
I think perhaps that I could try to write a book. However, it seems of late that I am far too scatterbrained for such a project. Indeed, I can barely concentrate enough to write my foolish pieces here. If only, if only... If only I could focus. If only I believed in myself. If only I were better. Stronger. Smarter. Once upon a time I was like so many others who pushed my problems off upon others. Now I take the World's problems upon myself. Why can I not find a happy medium, and stay there?
I wonder sometimes if there is not happy medium for me. If I will spend all of life living on opposite extremes, the reaches of my mind battling for attention on ground that is not theirs, but mine; destroying none but me in the process. Why is there no end? Books have ending, happy or sad. But at least they end. Long ago one book in the series of my life should have ended. But it seems a character whose death ended that book has returned now in the next as a ghost. I am the author of this series, but there is a petulant character who I am unable to write out.
..................and how can I fear a loss of control, when it seems I have none at present?
No comments:
Post a Comment