The List

So many times, I've found myself giving a sort of mental declaration of what I love and who I am. You know; all those things you want your loved ones to know but never come into your mind when you're speaking with them. Or maybe that's just me. Regardless, I can't help but feel that it would be good to record these things, just... because. And I may as well have that list here, with the rest of my mental calamity. No one project or book or picture or song or anything could ever encompass me, especially seeing as my interests and loves range so far and wide. These are the things that, if I died tomorrow, I'd want in my obituary. Which is funny, really, because no one in the "real" world knows about this blog. Least, not yet. I'll continue to add to this list as new things come to me; it may go on forever. The never ending post... and if it does ever finish, the beginning parts probably won't even apply to me anymore.

I like horror books and movies. When I was younger I'd sometimes think of how one might make the perfect murder possible. I listen to a lot of rock music, but I've also been passionately fond of classical music since I was very young; this is probably because my mother used to play theme music from Mickey Mouse on the radio during my naps when I was 4-ish. I talk conversationally to my pets when I'm home (otherwise) alone. I enjoy hand washing dishes. I like to daydream, to read, and to see movies for one common reason: they provide distraction from reality. For as long as I can remember, I've had a feeling that I was(am) truly unique. I like swimming at night. Once when I was 10 I took what I'd read from a book- that a person dies every 5 seconds and a person is born every 7 seconds- and figured out mentally how many people the world loses per year-- during a shower. I plan on going into a medical career, but was I not so passionate about helping people in that way I would likely go into a career involving literature; it's another one of my passions. Sometimes I like to read laid back, overly feminine books because they make me feel as if I'm on vacation. My favorite musical instrument is the violin. I love sunlight and books that make me cry because when I was depressed, I couldn't cry and I felt as if the sunlight was cold and gray... I couldn't stand that. I like to sew by hand. I enjoy baking. I love to sing, despite the fact that I'm only so/so. I love gardening, and the smell of fresh fertile soil. I love the full moon, almost to the point of being creepy. Oftentimes when I'm bored I work myself into an inspirational frenzy where all I want to do is create: write, draw, sculpt, etc. I think I'd prefer living in a small cottage to living in a large modern house. I love the idea behind patio homes, but when I'm there in the development I'm sickened by how suburban they are. I love waking up to bird songs in the summer. Similarly, what bothers me most about winter is the dead silence throughout the house. I work best, and hardest, in the middle of the night. With as little light as possible while still seeing what I'm doing. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was the first non-realistic book I read. I prefer silver to gold. I like spicy food; spicy like chili peppers, though- not like wasabi (usually) or like curry (usually). I love trying foods from many different cultures. The reason I like making and embellishing my clothes is having the knowledge that mine is the only piece quite like it. I want to change the world in little ways; I am not the hero but the wise person who leads them along the way, not Cinderella but the Fairy Godmother, not the warrior but the seer. Despite the fact that I am not religious, I have a favorite Christmas song: "The Gift" by Aselin Debison. I don't like to go to the doctors, for unknown reasons. I have difficulty letting people into my life. Every aspect of my personality is either absurdly extreme or perfectly neutral. My favorite part of babysitting is rocking and singing to toddlers (and infants) until they fall asleep. Though not protective of myself, I become fierce when someone I love is threatened. Despite what I say, I'm still uncomfortable with my body. When I retire I'd like to move either into the country or into one of those very small, self contained towns. Sometimes I'm intimidated by how much of my future is already planned. I fully, genuinely enjoy my own company, and in that way I have more ego than anyone I know, even though I tend to be quite humble. I love the scent of new, freshly sharpened pencils. Sometimes it's hard for me to admit when I'm wrong. I hate, hate, hate to be appeased. When I'm sad about something, I imagine other peoples' lives in the future without me. Sometimes I like to manipulate my own emotions. Sometimes I see myself as utterly pathetic. I fear weakness. Even more, I fear that I'll hurt others around me-- emotionally, that is. I don't like birthday parties; my own or others'. Sometimes I want badly to let loose and be crazy; to go over the edge. When I'm tired (sometimes even just emotionally tired) I rock rhythmically back and forth, usually until I fall asleep. One of my cousins also does this, so I wonder if it's genetic. I love all the seasons equally. I love winter for the beauty of snow and the dark mornings. I love spring for the way color seems so vibrant at the close of winter and the rebirth all around. I love summer for long lazy-warm days and inky black nights with warm breezes. I love autumn for the crispness of the air and the variation in tree color and the smell of fallen leaves. When I was about 9 I thought I was a witch. I'd like to go skydiving sometime in my life. I like conspiracy theories. I almost never leave my house without my cell phone, money, photo ID, my insurance card, and usually a book. I hate being lectured, because for awhile when I was young I'd get almost daily lectures on what I'd done wrong that day... but I firmly believe that these lectures led me to be the introspective, rather cautious person I am today. However, if I do get lectured, it's usually unnecessary. I only need to be told once in order to make a decision about whether or not to follow the advice, and lecturing fills me with desire to rebel. Though I need to keep my mind almost perpetually occupied, I love the way I feel after a long day of hard manual labor. When trying to keep from crying, I focus on specific details of tangible things around me, so as to engage the detached, technical part of me. I'm terrified of becoming depressed again. I like to write with quill and ink. I miss taking Irish Step Dance. It makes me uncomfortable to know that I would flourish in politics. Sometimes I like to think about (almost plan) my wedding, just because. If I ever have the time and/or the money, I'd like to travel the world. I don't see anything wrong with dressing simply and wearing the same outfits often; my friends occasionally complain about that logic. Though I almost never get angry, I'm vicious when I do. I like to think that if people have "souls" in the sense of a metaphysical identity that survives after the body has died, that all living things do. I love to ponder the hypothetical. I play songs in my mind when I'm bored or need background music. I don't mind being someone else's doormat if it's all I can do to take care of them. Sometimes I wish I could just be-- human; allowed to show the range of emotions that others show. I don't have a "best friend", rather, I value all my friends differently. I like brightly colored plaid. I love the sound of bagpipes. I sigh at the beauty of nature. I like to think about the end of world. Sometimes when I'm alone I make myself cry and then I can't stop. I like to cook for the kids I babysit. I call people who I know won't listen to a word I say. I don't tell people about things that bother or sadden me because I don't want them to treat me differently because of it; don't want them to feel the need to choose their words carefully around me. I consider it self indulgent to act depressed or even sad, and therefore only do so when I'm alone. I talk to myself when I'm upset, and say the things that I know I'd regret if I said to the people for whom they are intended. I'm so used to acting as the man of the house that I often forget to let people take care of me. Some days- just when I'm feeling weepy, I miss the days when I was an island unto myself, completely emotionally detached. I used to have spells where I'd get frustrated and want to throw, break, punch, and/or bite things. These spells started when I was very young-- perhaps 3ish. I like to fish. I don't hate anybody. I don't like gambling; perhaps this is related to the feeling of loss of control, leaving things to luck. While I don't believe in any great being or religion or even necessarily an afterlife of any sort, I can't help but feel that there's a sort of path of least resistance through life, a certain current that we can put ourselves into, so that we're not fighting against life... and this doesn't really fit into any of my other (non) beliefs. I love animals. I love thunderstorms, and if they occur at night I'll often sit on the floor by a door or window to watch the lightning. Both the thought of eternity and the thought of ceasing to exist scare me a little bit. I am never fully confident in anything I do, not even the simplest of tasks. I love big tests such as midterms and finals, and standardized tests. Sometimes I think I'm prettiest when I first wake up. It scares me how sometimes couples that have been together for years break up seemingly overnight. When I was younger I used to think I had precognition. I love the way the sun looks overwhelmingly bright and liquid if you first wake up with it shining in your face. I sometimes enjoy the feeling of being hungry. I've learned how to distinguish the natural male human scent from the natural female human scent. I don't mind the thought of the apocalypse happening in 2012 as much as one might think. However, I'm not the sort who'll go out and spend their life savings on living the time until then like a mad person, either. I love the scent of a wood fire. I love old glass bottles. There are currently two people outside of myself in the whole world that possess the ability to make me cry. I like walking barefoot outside... except of course in the winter. Every so often I come to the realization that I seem to be the only one I know who's really almost fully reliable... which equates to almost everyone I know taking advantage of me in some way, or at the very least taking me for granted. I am not great at anything, but am good or at least decent at a great many things. Sometimes when I'm alone I have conversations with myself aloud. I love the smell of Play-Doh. When I can't sleep at night I make up scenarios that require many decisions or mundane details to occupy my mind until I drift off. Sometimes I try to imagine what I would do if certain loved ones died; I'm not sure why. I love cemeteries and have for as long as I can remember. When I was quite young (5ish?) I would always be sure to have something hard and something large and soft before I went to sleep, so that in the event of a fire I could break my bedroom window and then cover the shards with blanket, pillow etc while I slipped out. A little before that time I thought that all my toys came alive when I was asleep. My favorite color is blue but my two favorite colors are purple and green. I wonder, if I could meet myself as a 4-6 year old, what my younger self would think of the person I have become. Once when I was young I kept wishing I could go back in time in order to keep myself from breaking something, and suddenly I had the thought that perhaps I actually had gone back in time each time I'd wished to, but without being aware of what was about to happen or having gone back- according to this theory I simply kept making the same mistake over and over, never knowing that it had occurred before. I get frustrated with myself when I can't maintain my optimism. I love when people confide in me, not because I want to know their secrets but because I love knowing that they trust me. About three years ago I had an idea that the reason people are crippled by pain is that they fight the sensation... I figured that instead, I could welcome the sensation and therefore draw strength from it. Scarily enough, it kind of worked. I hate the thought of always being busy but I hate the thought of being bored more. Occasionally I am able to "play" large chunks of books in my mind for my entertainment. My memories of the night my grandmother first went to the hospital before dying are muddled in such a way that premonition seems the only answer. I enjoy camping. I also enjoy swimming. When I was young I could be entertained for hours with things such as a large cardboard box. I have inside jokes with myself. I never say most of what I intend to say to people, because I determine that it's not important enough to bother. I don't like chocolate ice cream. Walking is my favorite mode of transportation. I like going outside in the rain until I'm soaked to the skin... it makes me feel new. Sometimes I'll sit in front of the mirror for almost an hour, squeezing my pores. I love the feeling of a big yawn. I love clocks. I love buying presents. I fear addiction. I believe in working for everything I get. I love the smell of fresh mint. I hate constantly changing my mind. I think that only three types of bugs bother me: flies, ants and cockroaches. I cry more at night than I do during the day. I have only had two real "break downs" this year (as of September 4, 09)... this means I'm getting better. I don't try to understand myself. I feel relatively sure that I've repeated myself at leas once here, and don't really care. I love the rain but don't particularly like the cold it brings. I make myself cry. I hate to tell people if I'm sick. I'm always unsure of myself. I fight with people when I'm home alone, so I can say what I need to get out without having to regret anything. Ever since I was 11, I've gotten an odd feeling of pressure in my head when I'm very overstressed or thinking of too many things at once (like being smothered with a pillow). I have more confidence in myself when I'm alone. I get paranoid if I'm alone in a building. I love fixing things manually. I'm comfortable with holding the "male" position in my household. Sometimes eating in public makes me feel self-conscious. I use puns to get out of answering questions I don't want to answer. I need a best friend like me. I like to watch people at stoplights (they have their guard down). I think in the third person and write in the first.