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Saturday, August 29, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
School
It seems to me that it's been far too long since I've posted; since I've allowed the flow of language and imagery carry me away.
Several days ago I was a student at an all girls' boarding school about 70 miles away. My mother had placed me there because- oddly- it cost much less than the school I currently attend. Everything was much stricter there, and our uniform consisted of navy blue, knee-length skirts, light blue blouses and matching navy blazers. Even the shoes (black, plain) were uniform. All the other girls were quite content with the setup, and acted like stereotypical children of high-income families. I happily acted as the outcast, but earned outstanding grades in every class. One class I enrolled in was Irish Step. I tried to convince the administration to create horseback riding, fencing and/or archery classes, but to no avail.
I visited my "real" school something of a changed person. The conditions of the new school had forced me to be somewhat more outgoing, and I was ecstatic to be with people of my own "type." I still had to wear the uniform, but I certainly couldn't complain when all of my friends were wearing their uniforms, as well...
There were also some moments where I created a secret door in my closet wall in which I kept everything I wasn't supposed to have at the school: jeans, tee shirts, a blender... an interesting mix, overall. As for my classmates, they never knew a thing.
Several days ago I was a student at an all girls' boarding school about 70 miles away. My mother had placed me there because- oddly- it cost much less than the school I currently attend. Everything was much stricter there, and our uniform consisted of navy blue, knee-length skirts, light blue blouses and matching navy blazers. Even the shoes (black, plain) were uniform. All the other girls were quite content with the setup, and acted like stereotypical children of high-income families. I happily acted as the outcast, but earned outstanding grades in every class. One class I enrolled in was Irish Step. I tried to convince the administration to create horseback riding, fencing and/or archery classes, but to no avail.
I visited my "real" school something of a changed person. The conditions of the new school had forced me to be somewhat more outgoing, and I was ecstatic to be with people of my own "type." I still had to wear the uniform, but I certainly couldn't complain when all of my friends were wearing their uniforms, as well...
There were also some moments where I created a secret door in my closet wall in which I kept everything I wasn't supposed to have at the school: jeans, tee shirts, a blender... an interesting mix, overall. As for my classmates, they never knew a thing.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Warfare
Another weird dream. We were invaded by foreign troops, who came in with their new political ideas and a promise of pain and death to any opposition. Not only because of my mother's political views but also, separately, because of my own, I heavily opposed the new ideas. Therefore, when the troops came into my school and told us to separate ourselves into those who agreed with the ideas and those who did not, I talked quickly and as quietly as possible to those I knew held the same views as me. However it appeared that they were not so passionate about the future of the country or of society as I was myself. Therefore I alone pretended to agree while they submitted in actuality. Frustrated, I finally told one of my close friends that I didn't care what views she held, but asked that she make sure she could defend herself, no matter which side was attacking her.
Then I was hiding. There was a large building with many militant guards throughout, and I was running through it and hiding. There were also two girl of about my age who were running and hiding but seemed to have more idea of what they were doing. They helped prisoners to escape. Still, we hid. At one point I locked myself in where the prisoners were supposed to stay to see what happened to them. A soldier came and took me to where the prisoners were kept. there were small, open sided areas where they were forced to sleep, and they could go to receive food at what looked like a pine tree but was only the greens attached to each other in such a way that they made a massive tree-shaped shell. I knew we'd have to work there and that we would suffer. I thought of the Jewish Holocaust and the concentration camps there. It was very much the same. I don't remember any more.
Then I was hiding. There was a large building with many militant guards throughout, and I was running through it and hiding. There were also two girl of about my age who were running and hiding but seemed to have more idea of what they were doing. They helped prisoners to escape. Still, we hid. At one point I locked myself in where the prisoners were supposed to stay to see what happened to them. A soldier came and took me to where the prisoners were kept. there were small, open sided areas where they were forced to sleep, and they could go to receive food at what looked like a pine tree but was only the greens attached to each other in such a way that they made a massive tree-shaped shell. I knew we'd have to work there and that we would suffer. I thought of the Jewish Holocaust and the concentration camps there. It was very much the same. I don't remember any more.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
It's the End of the World As We Know It...
Two nights ago I dreamt that the world was ending. At first, we simply all knew of it; heard it on the news. A plague was spreading across the globe and there was no way to sop it. It would kill all humans, and only humans. The symptoms began several weeks before death and involved various types of suffering. In this, it was similar to Nevil Shute's "On the Beach", though these symptoms were very strange and took much longer. Talking to Sam while walking towards a Centro bus, I told him all about "On the Beach" and marked various points of ironic similarity. I told I regretted never having asked him to read it. Later (or perhaps before... who knows?) Mom and I visited Sam's apartment and I noticed a man who was undergoing chemotherapy, and at first wondered if he had the plague. I also wondered if my mother might let me go to Sam's house so that I could die with him. I think it was then that I awoke, wondering at the strangeness of my dreams, and then dropped back into sleep. Into the same dream. now, though, we were in a convenience (or similar) store. Mom and I and Sam and his mom and several ambiguous classmates were there. There they distributed poison to end the suffering of those for whom the pain was too much, and there we learned more about the plague. We had a month to live. I told Sam that since (in my dream) it was August 8th, that meant that we'd all die before the start of the school year. I then asked the girl at the counter for pen and paper so as to record what was happening. I knew no one would be there to read them, but as I explained to the others, the writing made me feel better. Then I held Sam close to me and for the first time I was afraid to die. I whispered in his ear, "I hope there's nothing after this," though I don't know why.
Shortly after that I awoke again.
Shortly after that I awoke again.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Storms
Since last night, it has stormed in various degrees. Perhaps around 9 or 10, truly astonishing lightning and thunder began.
By 11, it was both very exciting and rather scary. I stood by the upstairs windows, watching as lightning filled the sky, so bright that it created many minute days. The thunder was unceasing, a low roar steadily filling all, with an overlay of cackling beasts followed by whip cracks that shook the very soul.
Again, and again, the cacophony of light and sound stunned my brain, creating new worlds from ripples in the very fabric of space and time. Winds whistled, rain pounded. The whole thing was some great exciting show and it seemed that I was a lone spectator, awake and keenly aware of every breath that the storm took.
In the morning, many hours after stunning lights and angry crashes had somehow lulled me into sleep, the feeling of calm-after-the-storm was very nearly tangible. The morning light was a tired yellow, touching on millions of raindrops that the storm had left behind.
Now, another storm is brewing above, undoubtedly coming within the next few hours. Outside it is as if even the deities of Mount Olympus wait with baited breath, unsure what havoc the mighty storm might wreak. Birds and small animals are nowhere to be seen; they wait cautiously for the shaking, flashing, booming, pounding of the storm. The sky is gray but alive with invisible energy, and several times a minute one can hear a thunder creature run its circuit around the sky.
The moody blue winds breathe through the living, whispering the most sensuous and the most sinister of secrets into the hearts of all. The ground, despite last night's downpour, is pleasantly firm, awaiting even more moisture as a kitten awaits milk. Oppressive clouds shed the Earth with a fluorescent light, and each color shines with unspeakable intensity against the ominous backdrop of anticipation.
Yet a third storm, quiet and subtle, has outlived both of the previous and roils now beneath both. The storm is in my mind, and keeps me shut into myself just as a physical storm keeps so many in their homes. I feel at one with so many things beaten down by the rain; the trees and grass speak to me and help to remember what is true of all storms: Despite how much damage created, every storm has an end; Harder storms are eased by brevity; And within a storm all is washed clean and made to be new. This storm is not like that long and deathly depression which I once knew. It will leave quickly, I am sure. and it will leave me better than I was. But I cannot help but be exhausted by the groaning of my mind at unexpected points in the day. Just an hour ago I lay down without cause or need and found myself curled into the mattress as if it were my one and only friend. Now I feel relatively content. I only hope that within a week this storm will be over, and perhaps two suns can emerge as one.
By 11, it was both very exciting and rather scary. I stood by the upstairs windows, watching as lightning filled the sky, so bright that it created many minute days. The thunder was unceasing, a low roar steadily filling all, with an overlay of cackling beasts followed by whip cracks that shook the very soul.
Again, and again, the cacophony of light and sound stunned my brain, creating new worlds from ripples in the very fabric of space and time. Winds whistled, rain pounded. The whole thing was some great exciting show and it seemed that I was a lone spectator, awake and keenly aware of every breath that the storm took.
In the morning, many hours after stunning lights and angry crashes had somehow lulled me into sleep, the feeling of calm-after-the-storm was very nearly tangible. The morning light was a tired yellow, touching on millions of raindrops that the storm had left behind.
Now, another storm is brewing above, undoubtedly coming within the next few hours. Outside it is as if even the deities of Mount Olympus wait with baited breath, unsure what havoc the mighty storm might wreak. Birds and small animals are nowhere to be seen; they wait cautiously for the shaking, flashing, booming, pounding of the storm. The sky is gray but alive with invisible energy, and several times a minute one can hear a thunder creature run its circuit around the sky.
The moody blue winds breathe through the living, whispering the most sensuous and the most sinister of secrets into the hearts of all. The ground, despite last night's downpour, is pleasantly firm, awaiting even more moisture as a kitten awaits milk. Oppressive clouds shed the Earth with a fluorescent light, and each color shines with unspeakable intensity against the ominous backdrop of anticipation.
Yet a third storm, quiet and subtle, has outlived both of the previous and roils now beneath both. The storm is in my mind, and keeps me shut into myself just as a physical storm keeps so many in their homes. I feel at one with so many things beaten down by the rain; the trees and grass speak to me and help to remember what is true of all storms: Despite how much damage created, every storm has an end; Harder storms are eased by brevity; And within a storm all is washed clean and made to be new. This storm is not like that long and deathly depression which I once knew. It will leave quickly, I am sure. and it will leave me better than I was. But I cannot help but be exhausted by the groaning of my mind at unexpected points in the day. Just an hour ago I lay down without cause or need and found myself curled into the mattress as if it were my one and only friend. Now I feel relatively content. I only hope that within a week this storm will be over, and perhaps two suns can emerge as one.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Sigh...
In a rare moment of allowable sadness I lay there, feeling broken and despondent and allowing the cold gray of my own speculation to wash over me. I whispered into the pillow, "I just wish you were here." I wrapped my arms around myself and slowly sat up; heaved a great sigh in preparation to leave my words and my thoughts behind. Just then, my phone rang. It was him, just calling to check up on me. He was there with me, after all.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Dual escape
Today I long for reprieve, though I am not sure why. It seems to me a deserving day. I have to work, but not until later...
I'll be babysitting. It will be good for me to spend a couple of hours around children. Their energy and their laughter renews me. Until then, though. I must use my crazy mind to fight off this boredom.
As usual, two thoughts enter my mind in the very same instance. One was purposeful, and was something to do with living life dangerously, being outgoing. The other was awaterfall that I have never seen, not even in my imagination before now. I'll describe the waterfall first, as I do not know how long the image will last.
Mentally I see that I am not facing the waterfall. Rather, I am faced towards the downward slope of a large hill. On my left are several trees, some of which seem to be willows. There's a gab in the trees, large enough for seven people to walk side-by-side. Through the gap I can see the waterfall, sparkling and beautiful. It ends in a tidy little pool before continuing as a stream down the hill. Behind the waterfall is a backdrop of leafy green trees, and there's no sign of human life for at least 10 miles in all directions. The place where I'm standing is a small clearing of sorts, and if I walk towards the waterfall I see that the water in the pool is clear and calm. I walk closer to it, but its surface is a couple of feet below the rock edge here, and so I lay on my stomach and in order to reach my hand into the water. I feel the pressure on my abdomen from hanging over the edge, and I feel the blades from a nearby tuft of grass tickling my toes. The water is crisp and cold and reminds me of walking barefoot outside in the winter. Carefully, I move to site with my feet over the edge of the rock, and lower myself until I am up to my knees in water. I cannot stay this way long, though, without either dropping into the pool completely or pulling myself back up. I choose, therefore, to pul my body back onto the rock. I move back into the clearing, looking down the hill towardsmore trees and a field beyond that. I walk through the trees, careful to avoid injury. Then, I see a field of grass and wildflowers, where I lay in the bright warm sunlight with stems and leaves all around me.
Now to living outrageously. My thought was of skydiving, or parachuting, of white water rafting. Of living on adrenaline and luck. I imagine feeling my heart in my throat while standing by the open door of an airplane, with the strong secure feeling of the parachute strapped to my back. I imagine something- insanity or joy or god knows what else- pushing me to to jump gladly out of the plane and freefall happily. Air pushing against me while I drop through the sky, finally pulling the string and sailing at a more reasonable pace to the ground, filled with the thrill of height. As I descend, knowing that I'll want to do it again as soon as I'm sturdy on the ground, I see everything- trees, cars, houses, getting larger. Finally I manage to land on the ground safely, my body feeling strangely light and my head lighter.
...off to work with me now.
I'll be babysitting. It will be good for me to spend a couple of hours around children. Their energy and their laughter renews me. Until then, though. I must use my crazy mind to fight off this boredom.
As usual, two thoughts enter my mind in the very same instance. One was purposeful, and was something to do with living life dangerously, being outgoing. The other was awaterfall that I have never seen, not even in my imagination before now. I'll describe the waterfall first, as I do not know how long the image will last.
Mentally I see that I am not facing the waterfall. Rather, I am faced towards the downward slope of a large hill. On my left are several trees, some of which seem to be willows. There's a gab in the trees, large enough for seven people to walk side-by-side. Through the gap I can see the waterfall, sparkling and beautiful. It ends in a tidy little pool before continuing as a stream down the hill. Behind the waterfall is a backdrop of leafy green trees, and there's no sign of human life for at least 10 miles in all directions. The place where I'm standing is a small clearing of sorts, and if I walk towards the waterfall I see that the water in the pool is clear and calm. I walk closer to it, but its surface is a couple of feet below the rock edge here, and so I lay on my stomach and in order to reach my hand into the water. I feel the pressure on my abdomen from hanging over the edge, and I feel the blades from a nearby tuft of grass tickling my toes. The water is crisp and cold and reminds me of walking barefoot outside in the winter. Carefully, I move to site with my feet over the edge of the rock, and lower myself until I am up to my knees in water. I cannot stay this way long, though, without either dropping into the pool completely or pulling myself back up. I choose, therefore, to pul my body back onto the rock. I move back into the clearing, looking down the hill towardsmore trees and a field beyond that. I walk through the trees, careful to avoid injury. Then, I see a field of grass and wildflowers, where I lay in the bright warm sunlight with stems and leaves all around me.
Now to living outrageously. My thought was of skydiving, or parachuting, of white water rafting. Of living on adrenaline and luck. I imagine feeling my heart in my throat while standing by the open door of an airplane, with the strong secure feeling of the parachute strapped to my back. I imagine something- insanity or joy or god knows what else- pushing me to to jump gladly out of the plane and freefall happily. Air pushing against me while I drop through the sky, finally pulling the string and sailing at a more reasonable pace to the ground, filled with the thrill of height. As I descend, knowing that I'll want to do it again as soon as I'm sturdy on the ground, I see everything- trees, cars, houses, getting larger. Finally I manage to land on the ground safely, my body feeling strangely light and my head lighter.
...off to work with me now.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Beauty
So today's trip was nice. There was a detour which led us through some beautiful scenery, including a lot of woods and a farm. I was lost in thought, imagined buying a large plot of land and farming part of it.... the abundance of willow trees led the mind to much whimsy.
I love willow trees... there was one which I loved dearly and is now gone. When I walked by and saw the pile of woodchips, I was struck with the sort of sadness one feels at a funeral, and I took a large chip home with me. There's another, too, which I like to climb. I have seen it twice.
At the moment I dream silently of a future of warmth, perhaps in my thirties. Presumably, by this time I will have earned the job I want and moved out of the city... One can hope. Out of daydreams for now. Perhaps I will expound later.
I love willow trees... there was one which I loved dearly and is now gone. When I walked by and saw the pile of woodchips, I was struck with the sort of sadness one feels at a funeral, and I took a large chip home with me. There's another, too, which I like to climb. I have seen it twice.
At the moment I dream silently of a future of warmth, perhaps in my thirties. Presumably, by this time I will have earned the job I want and moved out of the city... One can hope. Out of daydreams for now. Perhaps I will expound later.
Quickly..
Very full day. Don't know why I'm bothering to post. Have to go to calling hours later on. Had another weird dream last night during which I searched my entire house for adevice by which my mother was recording my conversations. It's shocking how much detail I mentally described my house to myself in. It's also shocking how creative some of the potential hiding places were. But I am crazy, after all... right. Things still weird mentally. Maybe I'll just get used to it. Going to start asking people their ideas on intuition. Bye.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
The Crazy
So... I say it all the time: I'm crazy. I'm insane. I'm a lunatic. I'm mad.
But, while I'm definitely out of the norm, I do like to think I have full control of all my faculties. Still.. I have sort of "crazy phases" in my life. I'm not so sure I'd say it's me who goes crazy, but crazy things happen. All at once. It may not be this way in reality; it may be me submitting to confirmation bias, or it may just be a little bit of coincidence.
Regardless, though, it's all very odd to me. I sensed it the day with the circus music. A different brand of crazy in my mind. Then the weird dream with the cubbies. Last night I had another weird dream...
I was walking to my father's house- or my grandfather's house- which is actually my grandmother's house, because my grandfather is deceased. I got a ways there, perhaps a couple of miles, but realized that I wouldn't be able to walk there and back before nightfall. I decided that I'd need my bike, but I didn't have it with me. There was a man, however, who stopped me and who said he had a bike to lend me. So I was there for several uncomfortable hours while the man showed me different things about the bike, and towards the end I began to wonder if he'd want some sick sort of repayment. I tried to think of escape routes, and eventually my mother came to pick me up in her car, and by then it was nightfall. The creepy man tried to kiss me goodbye, which bothered me very greatly. I consented to a family- like kiss on the cheek. He tried to kiss me again, and I turned and twisted away, wanting desperately to leave. That was the end of that dream. Now if this dream wasn't weird enough by itself, my mother told me this morning of a very disturbed looking man walking into her work yesterday, looking for the police. They redirected him to the police department and called the woman there to forewarn her. She, being simply a secretary, called a sheriff to come and wait with her. The man said he was turning himself in for rape.
I also had another dream where it was my first day of school and everything got messed up. Classes misplaced, people disappearing. I talked to one of my friends and she said something that surprised me greatly, though I don't remember what...
Oh- and that family friend that passed away? My mother had been thinking of him all day, and on the way home from the restaurant, before we found out about his death, she deliberately took a route that passed his house...
So perhaps the crazy is returning. I don't know. I sort of hope not, because I tend to think that it's almost entirely some cycle of psychological disturbances within myself. And last time I got that way, I was a very different person,with a great many more issues that I have now. and I refuse to go back there. I strongly believe that that which does not kill you makes you stronger, but it was a special mix of numbness and luck that it didn't kill me. And I know full well that if I allowed myself to regress, I most likely would not survive the second run.
But, while I'm definitely out of the norm, I do like to think I have full control of all my faculties. Still.. I have sort of "crazy phases" in my life. I'm not so sure I'd say it's me who goes crazy, but crazy things happen. All at once. It may not be this way in reality; it may be me submitting to confirmation bias, or it may just be a little bit of coincidence.
Regardless, though, it's all very odd to me. I sensed it the day with the circus music. A different brand of crazy in my mind. Then the weird dream with the cubbies. Last night I had another weird dream...
I was walking to my father's house- or my grandfather's house- which is actually my grandmother's house, because my grandfather is deceased. I got a ways there, perhaps a couple of miles, but realized that I wouldn't be able to walk there and back before nightfall. I decided that I'd need my bike, but I didn't have it with me. There was a man, however, who stopped me and who said he had a bike to lend me. So I was there for several uncomfortable hours while the man showed me different things about the bike, and towards the end I began to wonder if he'd want some sick sort of repayment. I tried to think of escape routes, and eventually my mother came to pick me up in her car, and by then it was nightfall. The creepy man tried to kiss me goodbye, which bothered me very greatly. I consented to a family- like kiss on the cheek. He tried to kiss me again, and I turned and twisted away, wanting desperately to leave. That was the end of that dream. Now if this dream wasn't weird enough by itself, my mother told me this morning of a very disturbed looking man walking into her work yesterday, looking for the police. They redirected him to the police department and called the woman there to forewarn her. She, being simply a secretary, called a sheriff to come and wait with her. The man said he was turning himself in for rape.
I also had another dream where it was my first day of school and everything got messed up. Classes misplaced, people disappearing. I talked to one of my friends and she said something that surprised me greatly, though I don't remember what...
Oh- and that family friend that passed away? My mother had been thinking of him all day, and on the way home from the restaurant, before we found out about his death, she deliberately took a route that passed his house...
So perhaps the crazy is returning. I don't know. I sort of hope not, because I tend to think that it's almost entirely some cycle of psychological disturbances within myself. And last time I got that way, I was a very different person,with a great many more issues that I have now. and I refuse to go back there. I strongly believe that that which does not kill you makes you stronger, but it was a special mix of numbness and luck that it didn't kill me. And I know full well that if I allowed myself to regress, I most likely would not survive the second run.
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