December

Some women get emotional around their, as they say, "time of the month."
I get emotional around my time of the year.
Early December, late November. Every year. It's just too much sometimes.

And this year is extra-super-special, because it seems like I've been doing cartwheels for everyone else...
And to no avail. I'm not the sort who needs a lot of attention. I'm not needy. I'm not clingy. I'm just about as far from a normal girl as you can get.
So why is it so much to ask for just a little attention? You know-- when I go above and beyond to come up with a fantastic idea for a present that I can barely afford and even forego the surprise element to it, which I love and half of my gift recipients seem to loathe, and then I get, "All right. I'll go." What the hell is that?
It's not a favor to me when people accept my present. And yet--- I don't know. It's so overwhelmingly frustrating.
And underwhelmingly exciting.
And never mind "thank you." I don't even expect it anymore.
I've dropped my expectations. Again. Why bother.....?


It just seems like I'm switching off between unbearable electric frustration and a crushing sense of defeat. This isn't life. And I know it's not. And I don't know how to change it.I can't change much more. And I don't want to, anyways. I love myself.

Fuck. This is just fabulous.